he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
