Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
