That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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