I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
