speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
