I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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