did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
