3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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