i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
