When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
