She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
