So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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