Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
