I smell stomach acid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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