I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
