Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
