I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
