i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I party with great urgency now.
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