He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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