Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
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