thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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