Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
