please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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