Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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