I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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