Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
