im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
