Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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