I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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