Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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