I wish I could teleport
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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