I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
