I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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