my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
