Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
