just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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