I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
