If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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