Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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