Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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