I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just google imaged poop.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
