my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
