just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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