So drunk its hurt
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
