I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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