I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
