Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
