after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
