How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
