Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im six kinds of drunk right now
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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