It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
