If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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