My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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