I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
