She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
