is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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